Rob Wiblin of 80,000 Hours recently shared some deeply helpful advice for coping with the vicissitudes of life. None of it would surprise Epicurus or the Stoics, but Rob’s version is more concise and accessible. Here’s the whole thing, reprinted with his permission.
When bad things happen in life, the thoughts we have about them have a big impact on how much they harm us. Here’s a checklist of thoughts I work down to make setbacks feel less painful, which may help you too.
It’s basically CBT, but less effort because some of the work is already done:
1. Is this actually going to materially hurt me over any significant period of time? If not, maybe I shouldn’t be too upset.
2. Is there some hidden upside I haven’t noticed yet? How could this actually end up being beneficial?
3. Is this misfortune funny or ironic in some way? For example, is it either completely typical or totally unexpected in an amusing way? If I’m catastrophising, are my extravagant misinterpretations themselves kind of funny? Would I see the funny side if it happened to a stranger? (BTW life is a hilarious tragicomedy, 4/5 stars.)
4. Is this the kind of bad thing I should’ve anticipated, and so have already built into how I feel about the world?
5. Could something even worse have happened that didn’t? Are there other people who’ve ended up even worse off than me, which make me look lucky, if anything?
6. What unexpected good things have happened to me lately, that offset my bad luck in this case?
7. What would I say to someone else if this happened to them? Presumably not “I suggest you… feel bad” .
8. Do I endorse the position that everyone in the world who encounters a situation of this kind should be sad? If not, why should I be sad? I should not.
9. What can I learn from this situation that will make me better off, by preventing the same or worse in future?
10. If all the above fails, do I have the strength to get through this tragedy? Almost certainly, yes. Have I gotten through something similarly bad in the past? Almost certainly, yes. Am I still distressed by similar misfortunes from the past? Almost certainly not – in which case, why be distressed about this now?
There’s also a special list for times I feel someone has wronged me:
1. Can I see a way that what they’ve done would have been reasonable from their point of view?
2. Is there any way of interpreting their behaviour that doesn’t imply that they were inconsiderate or mean-spirited? For example, maybe they didn’t know some relevant information, or foresee this outcome? Or just got unlucky?
3. Yes people are dumb & make mistakes. S*** happens. Get over it.
3. Has this person done any nice things for me that help to offset the harm they’ve done here?
4. Have I ever wronged someone similarly, by accident, or through selfishness? Yes. Is this person actually less considerate than me, all things considered? 50/50 they aren’t.
5. If the above fails, can I just avoid this person in future and pay them no further mind? Hopefully!
I often forget most of these in the moment, but a few I do as an automatic reflex, and they’re very helpful.
Please do share your own mental jiujitsu for avoiding negative or misleading thoughts!
READER COMMENTS
DeservingPorcupine
Nov 27 2018 at 12:12pm
A perhaps slightly elitist thought similar to those in #10 that I often find comfort in is this:
Throughout all of history and all over the world, has someone who isn’t as smart/wealthy/attractive/resourceful/socially-supported/etc. successfully gotten through a very similar misfortune?
The answer is, of course, almost certainly always yes.
Denver
Nov 27 2018 at 2:13pm
I prefer short little mantras I can remember to tell myself reflexively.
One of my favorites is “two steps back”. If something bad happens to me, I tell myself to take “two steps back”. In other words, take two steps back, look at the bigger picture of what’s happening, are things as really bad as they seem? Is it worth spending the energy to get upset over this?
Another one that I’ve been using lately is “is this a test?” Im not very religious, so I don’t literally think there is a cosmic deity arranging the universe simply to test me. But I’ve found that if I can frame the events that happen to me in such a way that, if they were literally tests of my character, my personal drive to not fail provides substantial motivation to do the right thing. I’ve found this to be particularly useful in getting out of the bed in the morning (“outside the covers feels so cold… But, what if this is a test?…”), but you can also use it to help overcome many of the challenges we face in life.
Rob Wiblin
Nov 27 2018 at 5:49pm
People may like to comment on the original post where I can put through suggested improvements:
https://www.facebook.com/robert.wiblin/posts/841255367385
And if they think this advice is sound, they may also enjoy my podcast on “the world’s most pressing problems and how you can use your career to solve them.”
https://80000hours.org/podcast/
Paul A Sand
Nov 28 2018 at 7:19am
I read Semi-Tough by Dan Jenkins back in the 70s, a novel about pro football. Just before the Super Bowl opening kickoff, the Jets’ quarterback (yes, it’s fiction) dispenses wisdom to his teammates:
It’s stuck with me for quite a while. Useful in case you can’t remember all ten items on the above list.
Paul A Sand
Nov 28 2018 at 7:27am
(Sorry, misremembered: it’s the Giants quarterback saying that.)
Alan Goldhammer
Nov 28 2018 at 9:39am
The football quote did not originate with Dan Jenkins. Jenkins, at the time a college football writer for Sports Illustrated, probably got it from USC football coach, John McKay. McKay’s Trojans had just trounced by Notre Dame 51-0 in late 1966. McKay stated, “I told the team it doesn’t matter. There are 750 million people in China who don’t know this game was played. The next day, a guy called me from China and asked, ‘What happened, Coach?’ ”
This game is also memorable in that it took place one week after a famous “game of the century/decade (choose which one)” when Notre Dame and Michigan State tied 10-10. Both teams aspired to number one ranking and Notre Dame’s rout of Rose Bowl bound USC tipped the scales in favor of the Irish.
Thaomas
Nov 29 2018 at 9:36am
Who are those guys? Are they art of the non-Liberal Arts curriculum that is NOT a waste of time? 🙂
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