Just finished Hrishikesh Joshi’s Why It’s OK To Speak Your Mind. Fun book, suitable for campus-wide adoption. My favorite passage:
Now consider a person who conducts his mental life as wildebeest or sardines conduct their lives. He just moves with the popular opinion of the time… The thing to think now is X, the thing to get outraged about today is Y; tomorrow it might be Z that one must express outrage about. Such an individual may not conceive of himself as a copycat (we often have flattering opinions about ourselves) but as the milieu moves, so does he. There’s little if anything by the way of “my social group thinks X, but is X really true?” “Does X conflict with some other belief or ideal the group holds?” “Of all the things going on in the world, is Y the thing deserving our attention the most?” “Do the basic values taken for granted by my social group make sense?”
“Of all the things going on in the world, is Y the thing deserving our attention the most?” That’s the thought that comes to my mind whenever people talk about the news. I even think this thought when I sympathize with the agenda the talkers seek to advance. My internal monologue in such cases is, “You’re preaching to the choir, but why are you trying to make me feel upset about this low-priority topic?”
Yes, I too occasionally discuss trivial matters, but I do so to amuse myself and others. Not to spread negativity. Thus, I have been known to share celebrity gossip, but I’m not trying to make anyone angry about the misbehavior of a famous stranger. If anything, I try to make others see scandals in a humorous light, applying the test of, “Is the celebrity’s behavior worse than adultery?” If not, why should any stranger feel upset about it?
The main omission in Joshi’s book: He ignores what I consider the strongest selfish reason to speak you mind. Namely: Keeping your thoughts pent up often leads to the misery of obsessive thoughts. The best way to think about X all the time is to strive never to think about X. (“Don’t think about pink elephants.” “Never think about pink elephants.”) That’s one of the foundations of exposure therapy.
The second-best way to think about X all the time, however, is to strive never to talk about X. Joshi could have strengthened his thesis by emphasizing, “Even if talking about X causes conflict with the people around you, weigh that against your own peace of mind. Bottling up your thoughts hurts you deep inside.” Corollary: If you can’t speak freely with the people around you, you should try to make new – and more sympathetic – friends.
Another angle: The “New Age” idea that you should talk about your thoughts and feelings is deeply true. And the “hard-headed” idea that there’s no point talking about problems you can’t take action to solve is deeply false. Though nothing can change the past, simply sharing a traumatic event that continues to weigh upon you reliably makes you feel better.
That’s why I have a standing offer to listen to anyone who wants to talk about their problems, an offer I’m renewing right now. While I enjoy “solving” people’s problems, sometimes the best solution is simply letting a person speak their mind.
READER COMMENTS
David Henderson
Sep 15 2021 at 1:00pm
Nice post, Bryan.
Now a personal story. Every once in a while, someone will ask if I have siblings. Most of the time they asked that, I did: my sister. But before she died, I would answer “I have a sister and my brother died when he was 22.” If they follow up, which I want them to, I explain that he committed suicide. Sometimes the reaction will be “I’m so sorry that I raised that.” I always answer words to the effect, “I’m glad you raised it. It’s hard to detect any more, but over the many years (51 now) since he did so, each time I talk about, it seems to hurt a little less.”
RB
Sep 15 2021 at 1:56pm
Thank you for bringing to my attention the “Misery of Obsessive Thoughts”. It’s probably my most and least favorite thing about my brain. My best obsessive thoughts have brought about my greatest ideas, unleashed creativity and gotten me quite far in my career. My worst obsessive thoughts deal with insecurity, anxiety and anger. I will constantly repeat thoughts to myself over and over for hours. Since my brain can only has so much RAM it can only keep so many lines of thinking at a time, therefore if I don’t store those thoughts in a Hard Drive then I am are doomed to repeat the obsessive thoughts. My obsessive thought loop is enhanced by marijuana. After some deliberation, I realized when I have good obsessive thoughts, like a new idea, I usually try to get it out of my brain and start writing in a notebook or my computer which has been a great source of pride. When I have obsessive thoughts I don’t like I kept them bottled up. Recently I’ve begun the habit of writing down my deepest bad obsessive thoughts in a notebook and found that it’s actually been really helpful in exploring them. I don’t have to keep the same couple of lines repeating in my head because they are stored in the notebook, so I can move onto to evaluating why I feel and think a certain way. As an uptight STEM guy, it’s been fascinating exploring my thoughts through the lens of masculinity, racial identity and insecurity. Who knew I’d ever be interested in gender studies, yet here I am. I suppose this comment its a form of obsessive thinking, as I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks and decided to get it out of my head in this comment section. Any way have a nice day.
Jon Murphy
Sep 15 2021 at 2:14pm
This is a very Smithian point. In The Theory of Moral Sentiments, Adam Smith discusses a lot about how, when we are melancholy, we should go out into the world. It helps ease our burdens, even if we are not necessarily talking with other people.
astew
Sep 15 2021 at 4:36pm
I do take issue with this question as written. The problem is that, logically, there can only be one thing that is most deserving of our attention (at any given time). That leaves us subject to inane tropes of the sort: “How could you possibly care about [abortion laws in Texas] when [there are millions of Uyghurs in concentration camps in China]!?”.
A better question (pair, really) to ask (or, since I suspect this is what is actually meant by the above question, a better way to phrase it) is:
There’s probably a better way to phrase it still, but at least this phrasing highlights the difference in conferred benefit between
a marginal increase in attention given to Y, which is already receiving much attention, and
a marginal increase in attention given to Q, which is receiving little or no attention
T Boyle
Sep 15 2021 at 5:00pm
Steady, Bryan,
That “New Age” idea may not be so right. There may be something to the “put it behind you” approach. I’ve seen several articles that report that talking about emotional trauma can re-activate it and re-build the pathways that cause suffering; and that it can be true that – without actively trying to not think about it – finding ways to distract from it and actively think about something else can be beneficial. As can talking about it, while disengaging from it (e.g., using a “fly on the wall” perspective).
Here’s an example of such an article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-creativity-cure/201501/when-not-talking-about-past-trauma-is-wise
nobody.really
Sep 15 2021 at 5:58pm
“It is difficult, if not impossible, for most people to think otherwise than in the fashion of their own period.” George Bernard Shaw, Preface to Saint Joan: A Chronicle Play in Six Scenes and an Epilogue (1923)
“Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions that differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.” Albert Einstein, The New Quotable Einstein (2005)
“[H]e suspects every mere difference of being a claim to superiority. No one must be different from himself in voice, clothes, manners… ‘Here is someone who speaks English rather more clearly and euphoniously than I — it must be a vile, upstate, lah di dah affectation. Here’s a fellow who says he doesn’t like hot dogs — thinks himself too good for them no doubt…. If they were the right sort of chaps they’d be like me. They’ve no business to be different. It’s undemocratic.’
* * *
Under the influence of this incantation [‘undemocratic’] those who are in any or every way inferior can labour more wholeheartedly and successfully than ever to pull down everyone else to their own level…. Under the same influence, those who come, or could come, nearer to a full humanity, actually draw back from it for fear of being UNDEMOCRATIC…. To accept [their unique gifts] might make them Different, might offend against the Way of Life, take them out of Togetherness, impair their Integration with the Group. They might (horror of horrors!) become individuals.” C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Proposes a Toast (1959).
Thomas Lee Hutcheson
Sep 16 2021 at 7:13am
And how else can one possibly change ones opinion if you never voice it and hear it disputed?
Phil H
Sep 17 2021 at 5:14am
I certainly agree that it’s good to speak your mind. Bear in mind, however, that most of the time we’re not speaking our minds for reasons of convenience. There’s no conspiracy or oppression in it. It’s just that we all think lots of radically different things, and yet we have to work together, and so it’s *useful* to minimize the disagreements and friction.
Which is what brings us to the objectionable part of the quote: where does his smug individual get the idea that it’s OK to compare other people to animals? I have no evidence whether Joshi is more or less like a sardine or wildebeest than any other human being. But his choosing to accuse other people of it doesn’t get us off on the right foot. Perhaps he has to deal with people not speaking their mind around him because they’re mostly thinking, “Why is this guy such an asshole?” but choosing not to say it out of tact.
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