My friend Jason Ford wrote this little play, inspired by The Case Against Education. Enjoy!
Three Mercedes
By Jason Ford
(The Admissions Office at Foxmoor College in the Philadelphia Suburbs. Bart Amblin, the Head of Admissions, is seated at his desk.)
BART (on phone)
Send in the next candidate please.
(Enter Melissa Morely, fashionably dressed)
BART
Melissa, thank you for coming! I view this interview process as both a chance for us to learn about you and also for you to find out if Foxmoor is right for you. We offer a world-class academic environment, respect for the student’s voice, and a commitment to teaching every student ethical leadership so they can go help the world with all the challenges we face. Why are you interested in enrolling at Foxmoor College?
MELISSA
Thanks for inviting me! Well, it’s like this. My dad Joey Morley was a top Mercedes salesman. You’ve heard the ads, right? (Singing) “Morley Mercedes”
MELISSA AND BART
“For only the best.”
MELISSA
You got it! It’s a great dealership. We’ve been in business 30 years. So I graduated from high school last year and was gonna work at the dealership, which I’d been doing all through high school. If you count appearing in the ads, I’ve been working there since I was a baby. But then dad collapsed and died on the showroom floor a few months ago.
BART
That’s horrible.
MELISSA
Thanks. (Composes herself). Anyhow, he didn’t leave a will and me and my four brothers and sisters couldn’t figure out who was going to get the dealership, so we’re just going to sell down the inventory and then sell the dealership altogether and split the profits. So, I’m gonna be without a job, right? And any dealership where you get a decent commission—the high-end stuff—they want a college degree. Got me to researching. Turns out college is a great investment. I did my research and found the ROI on your college—
BART
ROI?
MELISSA
Return on investment. Anyway, the ROI on Foxmoor College —figuring tuition and future increased earnings—is the best in the Philadelphia area. So I thought we could make a deal.
BART
College isn’t about the money you earn.
MELISSA
It’s the selling point for me. Looking at your price– I want to offer you three new Mercedes in exchange for four years of tuition. That’s a great deal—do the math, it’s almost wholesale. Take a look. (Hands brochure) I circled the ones we’ve got available.
BART
We don’t do trades. We’ve got–
MELISSA
It’s perfectly legal. We traded one car to a contractor in exchange for adding some rooms to our house. But the key to trades is you have to report it as income to the IRS. My dad always said, “Sell, but don’t lie.“ Do you want to test drive this model? I can have it here in under an hour.
BART
We’ve got a financial services office to deal with…
MELISSA
I saw that your chief executive Dr. Ferris…
BART
Our college president.
MELISSA
Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, he’s 52 and recently divorced. Wouldn’t he want a Mercedes? I can forward you a link to send to him.
BART
I’m sure he isn’t interested. Let’s get back to the point of this interview.
MELISSA
You might be surprised. Could you call him?
BART
We can deal with finances later. Let’s talk about your academic interests.
MELISSA
I don’t have the cash on hand. But you know what…this presents a unique marketing opportunity. We could do a live broadcast. Hey, when I point to you, I’m going to hold up the phone and you say, “Help Mercedes Missy go to college.”
BART
Can we please take this seriously?
MELISSA
Oh come on! it’ll be fun.
BART
We’ve got limited time here.
MELISSA
I’ll be quick. (Turns on phone) Hey, everyone, it’s Mercedes Missy with big, big news! Mercedes Missy is going to college! We’re broadcasting live from the admissions office of Foxmoor College. Mr. Amblin, tell us about Foxmoor. (Turns the phone on Bart.)
BART
Um…Foxmoor College is one of the most highly rated small Liberals Arts Colleges in the country with some of the world’s leading professors and a commitment to diversity and…
(Turns the phone back to herself)
MELISSA
And that means it’s awesome! The perfect place for your favorite car girl to get smart! Now because it’s a special day, we’ve got a special sale! For the first three buyers who qualify, we’re giving ten percent off all new models. Ordinary is fine for ordinary people, but I know some of you out there want only the best! Are you that special one of a kind we built the C Class Coupe for? Ron from Jenkintown, thank you! Eliza from Mount Airy, you got yourself a deal! Oh look at that! Sid all the way from Reading, you made it under the wire! I’m so sorry, Carolyn from Narberth, you missed by the tiniest second. But don’t worry! Be sure to stop by Joey Morley’s Mercedes for more great deals! (Hangs up phone) Got the money now. Let’s sign the forms. Thank you for your patience.
BART
Did you really just sell three cars? Wow. We can’t sign any form. You haven’t applied yet.
MELISSA
I don’t need to apply. No credit checks necessary–I’m paying cash.
BART
That’s great. But we’re a selective college. We only admit one out of every six applicants.
MELISSA
No offense, but you should sell some franchises. You’re leaving money on the table.
BART
This isn’t a college for everybody.
MELISSA
Okay, I’ll make you a deal. I was looking over the options you offer. How about I pay full price, but you don’t have to worry about the dorm option? And you throw in a free parking space. This offer is only good for today. (Hands him a pen)
BART
It’s not about the money. We have to see if you’re a good fit here.
MELISSA
Based on what?
BART
We take a holistic approach. Strengths, interests, life experience. We’re trying to bring together a diverse pool of students who will insure a rich intellectual life on campus and build a community that encourages people to do good for the world.
MELISSA
All right. What do you want to know about me?
BART
What was your high school grade point average?
MELISSA
I ain’t stupid. (hands over papers) I pulled a 3.8 at Upper Merion Area High School and SAT scores that are competitive for who you got here now. I did my market research.
BART
That’s good. So what are your academic interests?
MELISSA
Well, the economics major is the best ROI, so that’s a no-brainer.
BART
Is there a subject you want to study out of general interest?
MELISSA
Look, I could sit here and tell you I’m gonna get really interested in philosophy or something. But that’s lying, not selling. I just sat through one of your philosophy classes.
BART
Did you get permission before doing that?
MELISSA
There were lots of empty seats. Besides, if you wanted to buy a car from us, we’d let you take it on a test drive. So what’s wrong with…
BART
Next time, ask. I’m sorry you didn’t find it interesting. But keep an open mind. You may find you like the classics once you delve in. We look for people who are academically motivated.
MELISSA
And maybe you get some people like that. We got this twenty-year old trust fund kid who waits outside the door the first day the latest S-Class Coupe is available. So we say “We’ve been saving the rubellite red metallic for you!” And he’s always driving out of there with the papers signed by like 7:15 a.m. We’d love it if all our customers were like that. But we gotta make deals with anyone. Two or three students were talking with the professor about Socrates and most of the rest of the class were on their smart phones. So you already have lots of people like me. What’s one more?
BART
Smart phones. It’s pathetic.
MELISSA
But you admitted them. Why don’t you judge me against them?
BART
We’re looking for those people who want to discuss Socrates. Maybe it’s not that many, but I celebrate the ones we get.
MELISSA
One of the students fell asleep and that’s real distracting, you know? At least I’ll stay awake so I won’t bother the students who want to talk about Socrates. So you get my money, the Socrates fans can talk about Socrates, and everyone wins.
BART
Maybe this school is not for you.
MELISSA
Keep an open mind.
BART
Fine, I’ll ask the standard questions. Outside of academics, what skills can you bring to Foxmoor that will help us as a community?
MELISSA
So besides paying all this cash, I gotta work for you?
BART
You’re not just the consumer here. Foxmoor is a community where people learn from and help each other so they can then go help the world.
MELISSA
Hmmm. Okay, here’s one thing I can do. I’ve organized a lot of displays when we’ve had sales drives. Balloons in the corner, sheet cake with pictures of the cars, that sort of thing. One time, we had all the staff dress like it was the prom. So if you need someone to organize a formal dance…
BART
That’s not what I mean. Let’s discuss some specific examples. Do you play a musical instrument?
MELISSA
No. But if you need to hire musicians, you’d be amazed at how cheap you can find them. We had a Christmas sale and we brought in the bluegrass band, the Big Sandy River Boys to “a country style Christmas sales event.” Here’s their card. (Bart doesn’t take it.) Now you think bluegrass wouldn’t work in Philly, right? But we had a great sales week and they were working for…
BART
Yes, right. Were you on any sports teams?
MELISSA
I was at school until 3, at the dealership until 7, and then home for dinner and homework. Sorry if I didn’t have a chance for piano lessons and soccer. But my dad really needed the help there. His health hadn’t been good for years. Never admitted it. So that’s how I spent my time. How does that fit in with that holistic thing you were talking about?
BART
Fair point. Sometimes I wonder if we define these things too narrowly. I spent a lot of time when I was a kid visiting my grandmother in the nursing home, but was told that wasn’t the sort of thing you put on a college application.
MELISSA
Don’t you hate when people get all superior when you’re the one helping the family? I love my sister, but she’s never helped out at the dealership and is always giving me crap that I wear too much makeup—which you have to do to get sales. And then she thinks she’s so superior because she’s reading books all the time. But I’m putting her food on the table.
BART
That would tick me off too. The last standard question is as follows: Foxmoor College is an institution committed to diversity. How would your planned college experience help us achieve this goal of becoming a more diverse and inclusive community?
MELISSA
You know, I shouldn’t put down my sister. That dealership thing is the only thing we argue about. Otherwise, real sweet, real smart, reads a book a week—and I mean, hard books—for fun. She could apply here for next fall. Believe me, you admit us both, you got diversity. You won’t believe we’re from the same family! And she might even care about Socrates. Especially if I say that I don’t.
BART
That’s not what I mean. Many people of our community who come from a place of privilege are taking a good hard look about how they treat people of color both consciously and unconsciously. Do you have any thoughts about that?
MELISSA
It’s not something we talked about at the dealership.
BART
I wouldn’t have expected you would have, but..
MELISSA
If we don’t treat a customer right, that’s money out of our pocket. When the Philadelphia Eagles break training camp, we always get like a dozen players to come over and buy a Mercedes. Black players, white players, one guy from Samoa….
BART
So you treat people of color nicely only to get money out of them?
MELISSA
Okay, so you don’t want to let in people who are prejudiced, right? I know where you’re coming from. Had this one guy apply at the dealership and he seemed real good until he said something bad about Arabs. They buy cars too, you know? So forget hiring him. Anyone can stand up in school assembly and say we gotta fight racism and prejudice and stuff. Me, I learned to treat everyone good every day so that we could keep the dealership going.
BART
Interesting perspective. So got any questions for me?
MELISSA
Am I getting in?
BART
I’ll be honest; you’re an unusual candidate. But maybe it would be good to have someone like you.
MELISSA
Please let me know soon. Classes start in a week.
BART
You have to apply by January 15th, unless you wanted to go early decision. In any case, you’d be applying for a space for next September.
MELISSA
I can’t afford to wait a year. Try to get into the car sales business with only a high school diploma and you’re looking at selling used Chevys at Big Ed’s Car-o-rama if you’re lucky. And the commissions suck. If we want to make a deal, it’s got to be for this year.
BART
We’ve already selected the class for this year.
MELISSA
I told you I don’t need a dorm room. I show up, you take my money, who’s going to care? Except your finance department who will thank you for making it easier to pay your bills.
BART
We spent a great deal of time putting together the best possible class. We strive for a variety of interests, talents, backgrounds.
MELISSA
Am I going to mess up that perfect balance you have? Don’t try to tell me this is precision engineering.
BART
Look, I said you’d be a strong candidate. But you have to go through the process like anyone else.
MELISSA
How about we do a one-semester trial? If you don’t like me after one semester, I’ll leave, no questions asked. But in the meantime, I’ll be great for you. What harm can it do to try?
BART
It would undermine the integrity of the admissions process. Do you have any questions for me?
MELISSA
One thing. You’ve talked about your students helping the world. So how do they do that here? Got any charities you do?
BART
Is that a serious question? (She nods) The Tygard housing project borders the campus and we do initiatives over there.
MELISSA
(Opens her smart phone to look at picture of the area) Oh yeah, your college looks like a mansion next to a dump.
BART
Please don’t call it a dump. We know there’s a disparity and we try to help. If you’re interested in working on that initiative, I’ll make a note of it. Our students tutor their kids, act as mentors.
MELISSA
That’s awesome. How’s it going?
BART
Okay.
MELISSA
Just okay?
BART
We get a lot of first-year students coming in who are enthusiastic about helping the world. They sign up to volunteer to help tutor and do it for a while. It’s rare to find a sophomore who still does it.
MELISSA
I bet that’s like our sales drives. We announce a new one, get the staff fired up, and everyone’s super into it on the first day. But keep it up a few weeks and people lose the energy, they forget to wear their buttons…
BART
That’s human nature. But people miss the point of a college education if they never volunteer.
MELISSA
Morely Mercedes is real involved in charity. We donate a few cars every year to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They raffled them off at their annual gala. I was the company representative at the gala last year. (Shows Smart Phone) Here’s a picture of me there. You know what we could do? Throw a big scholarship fundraiser gala on campus for the kids at Tygard. Invite everyone at Tygard, call the newspapers…I know how to do this.
BART
That’s a really interesting idea. If you get in next year, I urge you to try.
MELISSA
“If”? I can’t afford “if”. You need to tell me now if you’ll take me. If not, I’ll go to the college in the area with the second highest ROI. If they don’t take me, I’ll go the third highest, and so on, until someone takes me. Why not you guys? Don’t you really want that gala to happen?
BART
It might be good. But I really shouldn’t change procedures.
MELISSA
Can I talk to your manager?
BART
Well, I’m the manager here.
MELISSA
Okay. Then thank you for your time. (They shake hands)
BART
Thank you. It’s been good..and interesting..talking to you.
MELISSA
(Starts to exit) You know what? You can have my idea for free. You really should throw that gala.
BART
It’s a good idea. Although I don’t know if we could convince the students and administration to go along with something like that. You’d need to convince a lot of people.
MELISSA
You heard me sell three Mercedes. (exit)
(Bart pauses for a moment and then opens door.)
BART
Melissa! (Picks up phone) Juan, is there a young woman walking past your office? That’s her. Could you please tell her to come back here?
(Curtain)
READER COMMENTS
steve
Sep 20 2021 at 9:45pm
“Now you think bluegrass wouldn’t work in Philly, right? ”
https://phillybluegrass.com/2016/08/18/2016-philly-folk-fest-bluegrass-rundown/
There has always been a market for bluegrass and folk in Philly.
Steve
Jason Ford
Sep 20 2021 at 10:06pm
Steve:
Good to know! Thanks so much for reading the script.
I’m a big fan of bluegrass, actually.
—Jason
steve
Sep 21 2021 at 9:10pm
Grew up on bluegrass and old time music if you know what that is. Many hours spent on the guitar hoping I could become the next Doc Watson but finally realized I had zero talent.
Phil H
Sep 20 2021 at 11:18pm
It’s amusing enough, but I have to say I felt like most of the amusement went in the opposite direction to what was intended. When an applicant (and the writer?) has misunderstood what college education is, it is comical reading their increasingly bizarre efforts to reduce things to monetary exchanges.
The funny thing to me is the lack of faith shown in the market. If you can do better, please, go and do. Lots of people are! There are exciting new qualification models out there, one at Google, another where they take a stake in your future earnings, and lots of online teaching programs… This thing where you sit and complain about how terrible college is seems to be a bizarre condemnation of the failure of the market to come up with anything better.
robc
Sep 21 2021 at 2:28pm
I think the applicant (and the writer) have read Caplan’s book and understand exactly what college is: a signal to be purchased.
The applicant in the story made it very clear she has no interest in the “traditional” college education, she wants a specific job which requires the degree.
As to your second paragraph, that is a very valid point. But as long is the state is tilting the scales via state schools and government guaranteed loans, it is hard for that market to develop.
The keyhole solution would be backpack vouchers. Instead of state schools with in-state tuition rates, the state would provide all of its HS graduates with a voucher that could be used at any accredited school of higher learning.
Jason Ford
Sep 21 2021 at 5:31pm
You and I agree on what the play is about. What I personally found funny about the idea is that Melissa is a rare honest applicant. Most college applicants consider college a path to a better job and not much else. However, they know better to say that during an interview.
I don’t know well it came across, but one aspect I had some fun with while writing was Bart’s evolving attitude toward Melissa. He goes from an attitude of contempt to respect to needing her skills at the end.
Dylan
Sep 21 2021 at 9:46pm
I found the short play amusing but I’m not totally sure I get it. My understanding from reading Brian is that a large portion of the signalling value of a college education is in signalling a level of conformity. Melissa, throughout her entire interview, doesn’t seem to understand that aspect of what college is delivering. That gives the piece it’s humor but also suggests that she would be a bad long term bet for the school (or at least it would be a bad bet if they admitted lots of “Melissas”). Then the school would lose its conformity signal and the value of the degree (and how much they could charge) would go down.
robc
Sep 22 2021 at 12:20pm
This reminds me, indirectly, of a professor at my alma mater. He taught in the MBA program, which I wasn’t in, I knew him outside of his professional life.
He had a bad reputation, not for his teaching, but because he required MBA students to dress “appropriately” for his class. This being the late 80s-early 90s, that was suits for men, and the business equivalent for women. They were to dress as the business professionals they were aspiring to be. That signaled conformity, but was also very non-conformist within the school, as the other professors didnt require this, so students were used to jeans and t-shirts in class.
I think Melissa would have got along fine with him. His conformity would be of the kind she would have no issue with.
Jason Ford
Sep 22 2021 at 7:25pm
Robc, let me start by quoting one of the wisest teachers I ever had. He was talking about Robert Frost getting annoyed by interpretations of “Stopping by a Woods on a Snowy Evening.” My teacher said his answer to Mr. Frost would be “Mr. Frost, once you put it out there, it’s not your poem anymore.”
So in that spirit, people can interpret and imagine these characters any way they want and their thoughts are just as valid as mine.
My personal view–and it’s only my view–is that Melissa is somewhat of a nonconformist. After all, she shuns activities in high school to work at the Mercedes dealership every afternoon. That can’t have been the popular choice. And she tends to think like an economist: she says she wears makeup to get better sales. (A friend of mine who was a waitress–and a self-described feminist–said the same thing.) She doesn’t say she wears makeup to feel good about herself or for personal expression. I personally think she would resent a professor who insisted she dress up for class as it would be placing a burden on her with no discernible benefit. She’d probably do it grudgingly and minimally.
But if others imagine her differently, that’s equally valid.
–Jason
Jason Ford
Sep 22 2021 at 8:02pm
And most importantly, Dylan and Robc, thanks so much for reading the play!
Jose Pablo
Sep 21 2021 at 5:14pm
Where is the “market failure” in college education?
Colleges are selling a signal. The signal is designed for business looking for new hirings, so “hiring business” act as “prescribers” of this “product”.
Businesses don’t pay for college. When you “design” a product that “clients” are not going to pay for but are forced to buy by the prescribers, you can be sure that clients are going to overpay. No price sensitivity there. No market opportunity. Actually the “oportunity” is to convince the government that they have to pay for that.
The actual “college business” is well designed to provide hiring business with precisely what they need: an outsourcing of the selection proccess for non-experienced hirings. No market opportunity here.
All the fuss about “liberal arts”, “diversity”, “exclusivity”, etc.. is a marketing tool particularly well cater to the “social desirability bias”. But it is just marketing: nothing relevant is added there to the product but it makes the buying (and the prescribing) much more issue.
The “college business” is selling a product that is completely different to what they pretend to be selling. But this “smoke and mirrors exercise” protects them against the kind of competition that would enter the market if what they are really selling (the outsorcing of a selection proccess for busineeses) were crystal clear.
Jason Ford
Sep 22 2021 at 8:07pm
Jose Pablo, interesting points. I definitely agree that social desirability bias has a lot to do with why so many tax dollars go for education. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Jose Pablo
Sep 22 2021 at 9:42pm
Thanks, Jason, for your play. I found it very amusing, particularly so having “suffered” the college application process just 2 years ago a going thru it again now.
My favorite one is a Princeton representative selling the “liberal arts” idea by saying that an 18-year-old kid can arrive at Princeton thinking he/she wants to become an engineer but discover during the first year that what he/she really likes is Japanese philology … I was thinking to myself: “I send you my want-to-be-an-engineer kid and 75,000 dollars and you give me back a prospective Japanese philologist and trust me, planet Earth is going to be too small for you to run away from me”
Jason Ford
Sep 22 2021 at 8:04pm
I have to think about that one. But PhilH, thanks so much for reading the script!
nobody.really
Sep 23 2021 at 12:28pm
Fun!
Did anyone read David Brooks’s The Social Animal (2011)? The story focuses on the lives of two protagonists–the laid-back Harold and the driven Erica. As a poor child, Erica learns that there will be a new magnet school built in her neighborhood. So she barges into a school board meeting and demands admittance. The stunned board members explain that admission will be by lottery, so if she wants to attend she should be sure to have her parents file out an application. Erica responds that she’s been listening to bullshit like that her whole (admittedly short) life, that this simply sounded like one more fancy way to tell her no, and that she wasn’t leaving until they agreed to admit her. At this point, the soon-to-be principal explained that he’s impressed by her drive and would like to give her exactly what she wants, but that would not be fair to the other student applicants–and besides, part of what they teach at the school is the importance of rules and procedures, so if she wanted to demonstrate her fitness for the school, the best thing she could do is follow the procedures for applying for the lottery. Not entirely satisfied, Erica grudgingly takes an application and walks home.
I sense Erica and Melisa would hit it off.
P.s. After Erica leaves, a fat white board member–who just happens to be one bankrolling the school–slides a note to the principal saying “Rig the fucking lottery.”
Jason Ford
Sep 23 2021 at 5:10pm
I haven’t read “the Social Animal” but I’ll put it on my reading list. Thanks. Brooks is a serious thinker and well worth reading.
Melissa’s pushiness was fun to write. And in a sense, Bart rigs the lottery at the end as well in my play.
It’s interesting that Melissa’s offer (I’m paying full price, I’ve got the test scores and grades to show I won’t fail out, and I don’t need a dorm room) should be wildly appealing to any college trying to balance the budget. But by tying admissions to the number of beds, colleges can maximize the strength of the signal.
They don’t have to tie admissions to beds in most cases. Most college towns have plenty of rental properties. They could say “here are our standards. You meet it and you’re in. We’ll set a market-clearing price for dorm rooms. Otherwise, live where you want.” It’s interesting that colleges don’t do that. The mysterious part of the admissions process is clearly part of the signal.
And thanks for reading the play!
Comments are closed.